Renting an apartment in Japan can come as something of a shock. You expect it to be small. You expect it to be spartan. You might even be a seasoned Japan veteran who has already made peace with the fact that your apartment will be colder than outside in the winter, and (perversely) hotter than outside in the summer.
But did you suspect that the day you move into that luxurious two-bedroom unit with a balcony and built-in shoe cupboard that it would be so…dark? Because…
Japanese apartments do not come with lights.
There may have been perfectly functional fixtures illuminating the rooms when you toured the joint, but SURPRISE, those were just temporary estate agent loaners. The day you move in you’d better have light fixtures ready to plug into every room’s bare ceiling outlet (and a ladder to install them) or you’ll be stumbling around in the dark with only your phone flashlight to guide you.
Planning your first meal also dishes up a surprise or two. Welcome to your new Japanese kitchen.
This is the “after” picture.
Try not to focus on the lack of counter space (you too shall learn to do all your meal prep in two square feet, my young Padawan) and let’s discuss what this kitchen was completely lacking on the day you moved in. First of all…
Where’s the oven?
Is that it? That tiny door on the front of the stove, only big enough to bake one chocolate chip cookie?
Nope. Japanese cuisine is all boiled, fried, pickled or grilled. No baking allowed. From now on, you don’t need no stinkin’ Thanksgiving turkeys or birthday cakes! That little door doesn’t lead to an oven, it’s a feature you didn’t realize you harbored a burning desire for…
A fish grill.
To be fair, it makes sense that an appliance most Japanese people don’t use regularly wouldn’t be standard equipment. But that doesn’t explain why…
The stove didn’t come with the apartment either?
That’s right. Kitchen floor plans show a little icon with three burners, but when you move in, there’s actually a great honkin’ gap in that spot, waiting for you to buy and install the stove unit that no Japanese apartment includes.
Once you’ve digested that shock, I bet you know what I’m going to say next, right? The kitchen layout’s other blue icon—the one labeled with a big fat “R”—is meant to communicate “where the refrigerator goes,” even though there’s actually…
No refrigerator.
Yes, you must scamper right out and purchase something to keep your perishables cold.
This is when you’ll learn why there’s such a large selection of honey-I-shrunk-the-refrigerators. They are designed to turn you into a Japanese housewife. You’ll definitely be purchasing fresh ingredients every day from now on, because you cannot stuff more than that in the shrimpy unit that’s all that will fit in the designated space.
By now I’m sure you can guess that the little blue square labeled W/D in the “powder room” will also turn out to be the place where there’s a water hookup but…
No washer.
What the heck, let’s fork out for one of those too. But wait. What about a dryer? Where does the dryer go?
Ahahahaha! Not only is there no dryer, there’s nowhere you can install one, even if you wanted to.
But this is for your own good. Would you really be living an authentic Japanese life if you’re not lugging an IKEA bag loaded with wet socks and towels to the nearest laundromat every weekend? Feel the solidarity with your Japanese brothers and sisters as you make this sacred weekly pilgrimage!
And speaking of washing, it goes without saying that there is
Not a dishwasher in sight.
Man up. Dishwashers are for the weak.
And I don’t know what kind of pampered princess would even think this is a necessity, but…
No garbage disposal?
Embrace rural septic tank life, you hothouse flower! Tokyo may look like a modern city, but nothing can go down the drain. NOTHING. To guard against lazy scofflaws who might be tempted to just run the water extra-hard, every Japanese sink comes with a plastic insert which is helpfully removable, but designed with diabolical nooks & crannies that are nearly impossible to clean.
And in order to keep the ¥100 yen shop industry profitably humming along, resign yourself to buying a perpetual supply of little elasticized nets to make it slightly easier to chuck the little food scraps that stick to the accursed plastic insert like limpets if they’re wet and/or greasy.
Now you’re ready to kick back and relax and buy all the fun things you expected you’d have to purchase for your new digs! Thrill to the spanking new trashcans, vacuum cleaner, rugs, curtains & more! And if you’ve ever wondered why Japanese families tend to live in the same place for generations, now you know. It’s just too damned hard to move.
•For f••
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The last thing Birdie wants to do is turn her life upside down solving a murder that was committed before she was born...
Birdie is a true daughter of the pleasure quarter. The number one apprentice to Yoshiwara’s number one courtesan, she’d rather do anything than derail her future life of wearing opulent robes and entertaining lords of the land. But when her search for the mother she never knew takes a dangerous turn, she faces an impossible choice: betray her own flesh and blood, or live the rest of her life being hunted by a powerful man who won’t stop until they’re both dead…
Jonelle Patrick writes novels set in Japan, and blogs at Only In Japan and The Tokyo Guide I Wish I’d Had
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