Failed rock gardens of Japan

Venerable Zen temple rock gardens are one of the iconic must-sees of Japan. No matter when you come, it’s always rock season, and they’re never, ever, covered in scaffolding. Plus, rock gardens look good even if you never weed, feed, or prune them.

But not all rock gardens are created equal. Let’s see how many ways they can go OH SO WRONG…

To be fair, some might be accidental. Japan is the one place in the world where, if everything in the planter dies, you can still try to pass it off as a “rock garden.”

But no free pass to those who just skip the planting part, plunk in some rocks, and call it a day.

Others try to pretend the fugliness is artfully accidental, but these aren’t quite random enough to be an accident of nature. Someone decided those rocks would live their best mineral lives by enhancing the elegance of that sign leg here and drawing attention to that abominable lamp there.

Others hint at some higher purpose. That cluster of congealed lava, for example, effectively conceals the rusty hatch from everyone who’s no taller than a toddler.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, some obviously put a lot of effort into making the best of a bad situation, but elevating a freeway overpass to a place one might wish to linger is a task too great for mere boulders

Some do manage to spark contemplation on the unanswerable questions of life, such as whether these are meant to be furtive smokers or gossips at the watercooler.

We can only hope this use of rock-centric landscaping wasn’t inspired by the corporate culture within…

but it’s harder to ignore this one’s Promethian cry for help.

These can only be a warning to delinquent pebbles not to grow into hardened criminals…

or to embrace the Dark Side and become the stony equivalent of a No Loitering sign.

Then there are the sad victims of circumstance. These look like they had to downsize from more spacious digs

and this one was obviously acquired before the koi pond budget was cut

Failed rock shrines sometimes try to pass themselves off as fountains

or this…this… What IS this lovingly cobbled together landscape WITH FISH that’s obviously been officially preserved—see brick border cutting into the sidewalk—on a main street in Shibuya?

And finally, the ultimate failed rock garden. It must have been so repulsive that the owners of the shop decided THIS was an improvement.

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Jonelle Patrick writes novels set in Japan, and blogs at Only In Japan and The Tokyo Guide I Wish I’d Had